Chasing the Walrus

Ok, last night turned into a total fucking disaster. I got to the bar / restaurant we were supposed to meet at just a little early. Not bad actually about 5 minutes but when I walked in and she wasn’t there, I had a sinking suspision that this wasn’t going to happen. I ordered a Jack / Rocks and a water back, checked out the appetizer menu, sipped my drink…. and waited. After finishing my drink, I figured I was on my own tonight.

Not a problem, I had made a contingency plan. A friend of mine had said he met a chick who wanted to get into doing some porn shit and wanted to meet me. I used to run a solo girl personality website which was making bank until the personality of the site found out I was fucking one of the chicks at the club she worked at. But ever since I’ve been looking for that one girl I could do that with again and fuck, if she wasn’t the type I could do that with I could always take some pictures and sell them.

So, back to the bar / restaurant, where I figured I was stood up by the MILF and decided to have another drink and a little something. I was proud of myself, I ordered grilled asparagrass, something healthy. Finished that up and had a couple hours to kill before I met girl 2, the porn star.

I went to meet a really good buddy who happens to bartend at my transfer point. Oh, I didn’t mention I am one of the only lucky souls in LA who can commute to work without it being cumbersome. So I went, shot the shit and had a couple more Jack / Rocks and waited for my train ride home. I was supposed to meet the porn star at a little restaurant close to my house so the fact that I was going to be 10 - 15 minutes late didn’t bother me.

Now, I know your thinking what was I going to do if MILF has showed up? Well, I wouldn’t have passed up the chance to cover her rings with my man milk and I would have been more than happy to let her milk my man utter completely dry. Which means I would have stood up the porn star.

One thing you’ve got to understand is these porn chicks are flakes and they get away with it because most men think they are cute and shit. Amazing what a guy will put up with for the opportunity to bang one of these bitchs. What most guys don’t realize is that you are doing the worst thing in the world, unless you want to have your wallet drained for the vague opportunity to get laid. Hence, me having stood her up would have been a good thing, not bad.

But, porn star, being the flake that she is stood my buddy up, which in turn means she stood me up. I got a call about 5 minutes before the meet was supposed to happen from my buddy saying the porn star flake could not be reached for comment. He was all fucking upset about but I personally didn’t give a rats ass, like I said all these kind of chicks are flakes.

Then I did a really stupid thing, I stopped at the Great Steak and got me a pastrami hogie and some french fries. I said I needed to stop doing that and I had been being really good about it lately but I fell of the wagon. I need to look up and find out if there is an over-eaters anonymous. Not a fucking diet plan but a support group for those of us who are binge eaters. Cause if it wasn’t for the binges, my weight would be fine. I could have used a sponsor to call and save me from myself.

I take my food home and devour it, play on the computer about 10 seconds and decide I should just pass out. Big fucking mistake because around 3 am my midnight snack came back to haunt me. I forget what the fuck it’s called but I’ve got this minor problem where acid from my stomach can actually run back up my throat, burning like shit by the way. Same shit Ashley Simpson was supposed to have that caused her to lip sync on Saturday Night Live.

This shit is nasty, it burns your throat making you cough, a lot, which in turns makes it very difficult to breath. I spent about the next 15 minutes trying to simply breathe. Got that under control and noticed that I was having a massive gas attack. I was bloated and ready to explode. I also recognized that it was time to hit the head. So I sat down and literally the shit came squirting out, over and over, and over. I was up the rest of the night burping, farting and turning my asshole into a super squirter.

I felt like shit and I still do. I made it to the day job about an hour late and now I’m sitting here writing this post and waiting for the call of the toilet. I did try a little lunch, an egg salad sandwhich. I think I might regret it but the juries still out.

But fuck this, you all want the babe of the post don’t you and I have just that. How about a babe from Playboy’s All Naturals collection…like you have a choice!

Tags: Porn Shit //