Chasing the Walrus

They’re here. The Democratic National Convention (DNC) starts today and I so fucking excited I could just… yawn. Yep, take a fucking nap time. The only way this could get exciting is if the fucking Clinton supporters cause trouble and you have to fucking doubt that would happen. So, although some of the pussy-ass politicians maybe a little nervous, these next few days will turn out to be an Obama lovefest and a bash McCain with everything you can fest.

And once again, the democrats will have proven that they are not fucking smart enough to select anyone who is even electable. Seriously my American friends take a close look at it. I’m for neither Obama nor McCain and think I’ll seriously sit this election out but what the fuck in Obama’s background makes you think he is capable of leading this country. State senator, not even a full term as a US senator. Fuck he’s never even run his own small business what the fuck makes anyone think he’s capable of running the economy of the US.

But, never fear, the democrats will tell you how wonderful he is. His wife what a loving husband and father and how the two of them elevated themselves. All great shit but…

The news will be pretty boring this week, unless you like watch a bunch of two-faced mother fuckers kissing the ass of some asshole they despise. Biden wasted no time getting his nose stuck up that black crack, watch the rest of the democrats follow suit. Oh and count how many time they use Bush and McCain’s names in the same sentence. I’m figuring a minimum of 50 times per speaker.

Now to the Babe of the Post!!! A hot fucking wife who likes to party… MY FAVORITE

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Don’t you fucking hate when a song gets stuck in your fucking head and why is it that it’s never a fucking song you really fucking like? I doubt I’d have anything to fucking post about if it was something like "Stairway to Heaven" that was stuck. But no it’s always some dumb ass song that usually I don’t know more than a few lines from and couldn’t tell you the title if you offered me a whole shitload of cash. Tonight it’s "baby, baby it’s a wild world, it’s hard to get by with just a smile girl". Now this is the only part of the fucking song in my head. No more no less and all I can think about is what a fucking load of crap that is.

Seriously, if I had been born a bitch rather than a fucking bastard, I’d be a slut. A rich fucking slut but a slut none the less. Start right out of high school with strip clubs and doing a whole shitload of nasty shit on the "net". There are plenty of guys just like me who would be more than happy to work with them to build their own website and help promote them in all the right places.

Of course the first mistake most of these chicks make is they try to do it with friends. Boyfriends are the fucking worst. As your popularity rises so does their jealousy. Besides, no matter what they think, they don’t know shit about web promotions.

But anyway, with the right manager / promoter with in no time (a couple of years) you’ll be doing feature sets at the top notch strip clubs with a gauranteed take, modeling for the Playboys, Penthouses of the world and racking in 6 figures a month. A smart investment and saving plan by the time your ready to quit you’ll never have to work again.

But one of the wonders of the internet is even if your not hot enough for Playboy you can still make bank. It might take a few years longer but the cash is still going to be there and you’ll be young enough that you’ll be able to do what ever you want to do.

And if I was a chick I’d be doing it all and smiling all the way to the bank.

Today’s Babe of the Post - Sandee Westgate

Sandee

With her tasty DDs and killer curves, Sandee doesn’t look like a computer geek, but she designed and updates three Web sites, as well as her own. “It’s a full-time job,” the brabusting cybergal explains. Half Sicilian, the top-heavy Taurus hopes to visit Italy someday. “I’d like to learn more about my heritage.” The 25-year-old enjoys walking her dog at local parks and shopping for lingerie. “I go wild at Victoria’s Secret,” she giggles.

Statistics:

Hair: Blondish Brown, Eyes: Brown, Bust: 36 DD, Waist: 26, Hips: 33, Height: 5′5", Weight: 112 lbs
Biography:

Birthplace: Newport Beach. CA
Age: 25
Favorite Movie: “Lost in Translation.” I like the idea of a young, hot girl hooking up with an older man.
Favorite Song: “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake. That’s a good song to screw around to.
Favorite Food: Spaghetti with meatballs. I like chowing down on a big meatball.
Likes: Computers, chocolate, lingerie, and my playing with my dog.
Dislikes: Cold weather, liars, and bad sex partners.
Ambitions: I would love to visit Sicily and learn more about my heritage. I hear the boys over in Italy are really horny and I bet they would go crazy for these DDs and tight pussy. I get off on thinking about how I can turn someone on. I practice being hot by wearing lingerie even when I am home all alone. I pull out my favorite vibrator and start buzzing away at my slick clit. Mmm…I am getting all turned on just talking about it.
Best Place to Fuck: On a huge, fluffy bed with candles lit all around us.
Best Sex: I was driving home late at night from Las Vegas with a girlfriend of mine when we hit a huge traffic jam. We got bored of talking and listening to music real fast. So I felt this courageous surge and I began rubbing my hand on her soft thigh. When she didn’t stop me, I knew we were about to fuck. I slid my hand up her shorts and began rubbing her pussy lips. She started grinding herself on my finger until she came. We climbed into the back seat and ate each other out for two hours! Now I wish she was always with me when I am in a traffic jam.
Favorite Position: I’m an old fashioned girl so I like to take it missionary style.
Questions & Answers:

HUSTLER: Have you always been a horny person?

SANDEE: Yes, definitely. My tits started growing at a young age and from there I became a dirty-minded teenager. I couldn’t wait to have sex! So on my 18th birthday I snuck out of the house and went on a date with this college guy. I couldn’t even wait to get out of my neighborhood to start playing with his cock. It grew hard instantly so he pulled over and told me to sit on his lap. I came three times all over his cock! I’ve loved sex ever since.

HUSTLER: Do you like posing nude for HUSTLER?

SANDEE: I love it! I feel so lucky to be able to show off my pretty pussy to your readers. I know they’ll be so happy when they see me plunge my finger deep inside my wet clam. I shaved my lips bare so they could see how smooth and slick my puss is. I get off on the idea that men all around the world will be staring and my centerfold while they jerk their hard cocks off to my sweet, tight fuck hole. That’s my favorite part about posing nude.

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There’s been some really fucking wierd shit in the news lately. Big Foot has been located. Seems two good ole southern boys found the dead carcus of a big foot. Of course DNA testing results show that one sample is human and the other sample is "coon, So the Walrus will tell you what really fucking happened. Two good ole boys go out into the woods hunting "coon (raccoon to those of you not fucking hip to the southern lingo) and drinking shine. They get lost for two fucking days and on the way back know they’ve got to come up with a fucking story someone might believe. That means the coons keep getting bigger until it’s not coons anymore it’s a big foot. To actually try to convince someone whether it be a wife, a boss, whomever that they didn’t just get drunk and lost in the woods, they buy a gorilla costume or maybe even a big foot costume, stick it in a freezer, snap a couple of pics and story confirmed. But now the big coon hunting tale starts spreading like wild fire. What the fuck they gonna do? Admit that they made this whole fucking thing up of find the one man in the whole country who loves putting on Big Foot hoax. Yep, once you got a whooper like that going best to stick with the story.

Italy is in the news, seems they are cracking the fuck down on crime and have allowed the mayors a little additional latitude when it comes to passing laws. Here just a taste of what now maybe illegal in Italy:

• It could be illegal for you to be in a bikini and not at the beach, especially if your in Capri
• Building sandcastles is forbidden
• No mowing of the lawn on weekends
• No public displays of affection while in a car (I wonder is public displays of affection allowed if your on the sidewalk?)
• No groups larger than two allowed to be relaxing in the park at night (are public displays of affection allowed if the group is less than or equal to two?)
• and definately no reading of books in the park

Reminds me of home here in California where in some area’s they want to outlaw the building of any additional fast food restaurants. It seems McDonalds is the blame for the country getting fatter. Me, its not Mickey D’s fault but I’m sure I can find someone to blame. Or the fact that people have told so many lies about the dangers of second hand smoke it’s now illegal in some area’s to smoke in the apartment your rent. You know someone might walk by the room, catch just a sniff of the odor and drop dead on the spot with cancer. I will save my rant on how the anti-smoking movement has told more fucking lies than the tabacco companies ever have for another day.

In Colorado a cow and a bear were getting a little frisky with each other. Thank god public displays of affection are allowed in Colorado but then again, I wouldn’t try to arrest a horny bear.

A couple teens in Germany developed a motorized office chair. German police confiscated the chair and are now contemplating possible charges including defying insurance regulations, driving without a license and violating registration requirements

But my pick hit for the dumbest fucking cop in America goes to the Kentucky sheriff who drove 4100 miles to California to pick up a fugative and then drove all the fucking way back to Ky. before he realized he had the wrong guy. All this over a fleeing and evading police and drunken driving warrant. At least when they figured out that they had nabbed the wrong dude, they did buy him a airplane ticket home. Lets just forget the 3-5 days spent in jail waiting for the sheriff to come pick him up and the other three days riding in the back of a police car, in hand cuffs. Sounds like an unlawful imprisonment lawsuit just waiting to happen to me. Of course, the cops blame it on identity theft.

Shyla Stylez | Making Beautiful Music

How did a small-town girl from Canada get into the skin biz? “Well, men have always liked looking at my body,” Shyla remarks, “and I love showing it off. I thought, Why not let everyone see what I have? People have always told me I have a lot of sex appeal. So I flew to Los Angeles and did my first HUSTLER spread. Do you think the readers will like it?” Let’s ask them. Whaddaya think, guys? Shyla is also not shy about discussing her no-holes-barred porn career, which got off to a thunderous start in 2001 with Gangbang Auditions #8. “I took a little break,” the knockout reveals, “but now I’m back shooting films as we speak. I just did a great D.P. scene.” When not seductively stripping down for the camera, Shyla hunkers down on the farm in scenic British Columbia. “I love to read and watch movies at home,” she says. “That doesn’t mean I’m boring. I also love to go bungee-jumping. I’ve done it two times now. All that bouncing up and down gets me wet through my Wranglers. I also like to cook. I’m a master at baking a turkey, and my cheesecakes are to die for.” Before we can ask what fruity toppings adorn her cheesecakes, Shyla exclaims, “Plus, I love to fuck! I’m a very open and dirty girl. I love anything that is erotic and going to take it to the next level. I dig oral, and I love to get banged by a guy in the missionary position while a woman has her pussy in my face.” What does this sweet little missy want to do down the line? “I wouldn’t mind making a living as a musician and a nude model,” Shyla hints. “Maybe I could combine both and be the first naked country star. Like Johnny Cash—only blond and with nice DD boobies!”

Statistics:

Hair: Blonde, Eyes: Green, Bust: 32D, Waist:22, Hips: 32, Height: 5′3”, Weight: 108
Biography:

Birthplace: British Columbia, Canada
Age: 24
Favorite Movie: Fast Times At Ridgemont High. I think it was when Phoebe Cates took off her bikini top I realized I was into chicks.
Favorite Song: "Dear God" by XTC. I get chills everytime I hear the lyrics "I don’t believe in you…"
Favorite Food: There’s nothing I like more than a smoothie from Jamba Juice. And I always get an energy boost with it!
Likes: I love sitting at home and watching television. I’m such a "Lost" fanatic that my friends are a little frightened. And don’t get me started on "Deal or No Deal". I love that show!
Dislikes: While I love Cananda, I really can’t stand the cold weather anymore. I try to visit as infrequently as possible these days because I’ve gotten use to the California sun.
Ambitions: The same answer everyone gives: become a director and start a production company. I know, so clich?.
Best Place to Fuck: Anywhere! If I’m horny enough I’d fuck someone on a pile of trash. I think I just made a few garbagemen really happy.
Best Sex: I shouldn’t encourage this, but I’m a huge fan of drunken, sloppy sex. The booze lets me lose all my inhibitions and go crazy.
Favorite Position: I can only pick one? I’d have to say doggie. I just love getting slammed from behind while getting my ass smacked.
Questions & Answers:

HUSTLER: The bigger the better?

SHYLA: Ha ha ha…I’m no size queen. It all depends on how it’s used. But there IS such a thing as too big.

HUSTLER: What your New Year’s resolution?

SHYLA: Eat less, work out more and have as much sex as possible!

Dude, you been reading my shit for awhile now. How about leaving a fucking comment and letting me fucking know how you feel about the shit I write or possibly Share Chasing The Walrus with Twitter

Tags: Ramblings by Walrus
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No, I haven’t abandoned posting again or slipped even further into being depressed. As far as that goes, I’m probably as good as I have been for a little while. But what has happened between Tuesdays disaster and my posting now would probably push a mere mortal man in that direction.

Thursday I was planning to be a good boy. Got to the train station in time to catch the train and the plan was to come hope and post here and work on a couple of my sites. I can’t remember what it was I had to post about but it seems it was somewhere along the lines of a good old fashioned Walrus rant.

But fucking fate had other plans for me. Seems the metrolink trains were all having problems and all the trains were delayed. My commute schedule really doesn’t handle delays well and not needing much of an excuse to go to the bar anyway the fact that the commute wasn’t going to go as planned was excuse enough.

My bartender buddy, from now on known as the bartender, called in sick so his replacement was the Jack Daniels dude. Now the JD dude likes to do shots of Jack and since he’s buying, how can I say no? Also the bartenders girlfriend, not knowing the bartender had called in sick, stopped by. She’s good people and always a hoot to talk to so I sat drinking Stella’s, Jack on the rocks and a free shot every ten minutes with JD dude. Needless to say, I got fucking plastered.

At some point in the night, the bartenders girlfriend went home and I found myself trying to chat up a fat ugly Indian chick. When I say Indian chick, I mean from India not native american. This chick was coyote ugly. Luckily, whether it was cause I was white, fat, drunk or a combination of all fucking three she had no interest in fucking me. It’s kind of a sad statement, she’d rather sit around the train station all night than let me get my rocks off on her. Worked to my favor, I didn’t have to sit there in the morning, shame all over my face and wonder what the fuck I had done.

The bad news was that instead of going home, I went over to someone who lives close to the train station to spend the night. Sucks having to wear the same cloths two days in a row. Especially without a shower but who the fuck would shower and then put on two day old cloths.

So I went through Friday, hungover, smelly, sweaty, sticky and did I mention hungover. When work was fucking finally over I had no problem coming straight home.

The crazy chick, who I really can’t explain what kind of relationship we have is, was at my place and had been there since Thursday. She knew about my drunken exploits, well sort of, I don’t think I told her about the ugly indian chick. Like I said, can’t really explain our relationship. But she was planning on escaping Friday evening anyway. When I got here, her ride was here and they were fucking around on my laptop.

Unfortunately, the crazy chick has a thing about downloading music from P2P sites which means it’s usually infected with all sorts of nasty spyware shit. Having the computer for 36 hours gave her hope that I wouldn’t notice all the fucking trojans and put 2+2 together. So, the remainder of Friday night was spent trying to clean off all of the fucking crap. Oh, and my service provide, they get upset about this kind of shit so they disabled my service as some point in time.

So, that’s been my life for the last couple days, too much JD, an ugly indian chick and the crazy chick. I’m fucking sure I left something out but it’s too late at night for me to really wonder if this is even fucking worth reading. Time to move to the Babe of the Post!

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Tags: Sex and The Walrus by Walrus
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Ok, last night turned into a total fucking disaster. I got to the bar / restaurant we were supposed to meet at just a little early. Not bad actually about 5 minutes but when I walked in and she wasn’t there, I had a sinking suspision that this wasn’t going to happen. I ordered a Jack / Rocks and a water back, checked out the appetizer menu, sipped my drink…. and waited. After finishing my drink, I figured I was on my own tonight.

Not a problem, I had made a contingency plan. A friend of mine had said he met a chick who wanted to get into doing some porn shit and wanted to meet me. I used to run a solo girl personality website which was making bank until the personality of the site found out I was fucking one of the chicks at the club she worked at. But ever since I’ve been looking for that one girl I could do that with again and fuck, if she wasn’t the type I could do that with I could always take some pictures and sell them.

So, back to the bar / restaurant, where I figured I was stood up by the MILF and decided to have another drink and a little something. I was proud of myself, I ordered grilled asparagrass, something healthy. Finished that up and had a couple hours to kill before I met girl 2, the porn star.

I went to meet a really good buddy who happens to bartend at my transfer point. Oh, I didn’t mention I am one of the only lucky souls in LA who can commute to work without it being cumbersome. So I went, shot the shit and had a couple more Jack / Rocks and waited for my train ride home. I was supposed to meet the porn star at a little restaurant close to my house so the fact that I was going to be 10 - 15 minutes late didn’t bother me.

Now, I know your thinking what was I going to do if MILF has showed up? Well, I wouldn’t have passed up the chance to cover her rings with my man milk and I would have been more than happy to let her milk my man utter completely dry. Which means I would have stood up the porn star.

One thing you’ve got to understand is these porn chicks are flakes and they get away with it because most men think they are cute and shit. Amazing what a guy will put up with for the opportunity to bang one of these bitchs. What most guys don’t realize is that you are doing the worst thing in the world, unless you want to have your wallet drained for the vague opportunity to get laid. Hence, me having stood her up would have been a good thing, not bad.

But, porn star, being the flake that she is stood my buddy up, which in turn means she stood me up. I got a call about 5 minutes before the meet was supposed to happen from my buddy saying the porn star flake could not be reached for comment. He was all fucking upset about but I personally didn’t give a rats ass, like I said all these kind of chicks are flakes.

Then I did a really stupid thing, I stopped at the Great Steak and got me a pastrami hogie and some french fries. I said I needed to stop doing that and I had been being really good about it lately but I fell of the wagon. I need to look up and find out if there is an over-eaters anonymous. Not a fucking diet plan but a support group for those of us who are binge eaters. Cause if it wasn’t for the binges, my weight would be fine. I could have used a sponsor to call and save me from myself.

I take my food home and devour it, play on the computer about 10 seconds and decide I should just pass out. Big fucking mistake because around 3 am my midnight snack came back to haunt me. I forget what the fuck it’s called but I’ve got this minor problem where acid from my stomach can actually run back up my throat, burning like shit by the way. Same shit Ashley Simpson was supposed to have that caused her to lip sync on Saturday Night Live.

This shit is nasty, it burns your throat making you cough, a lot, which in turns makes it very difficult to breath. I spent about the next 15 minutes trying to simply breathe. Got that under control and noticed that I was having a massive gas attack. I was bloated and ready to explode. I also recognized that it was time to hit the head. So I sat down and literally the shit came squirting out, over and over, and over. I was up the rest of the night burping, farting and turning my asshole into a super squirter.

I felt like shit and I still do. I made it to the day job about an hour late and now I’m sitting here writing this post and waiting for the call of the toilet. I did try a little lunch, an egg salad sandwhich. I think I might regret it but the juries still out.

But fuck this, you all want the babe of the post don’t you and I have just that. How about a babe from Playboy’s All Naturals collection…like you have a choice!

Dude, you been reading my shit for awhile now. How about leaving a fucking comment and letting me fucking know how you feel about the shit I write or possibly Share Chasing The Walrus with Twitter

Tags: Porn Shit by Walrus
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